I wonder if the magic has gone from your life?

Maybe you should read some poetry to bring back the magic? (If you can avoid the pop-ups).

Maybe you want to create magic of your own, but don’t feel you have the skill? It can be bought online!

Maybe when you get good enough at magic, you can put on a little hypnotic show…

Despite my masterful presence and commanding use of suggestion (ok, I basically threw everything at him - heat, pulse, honesty, shadow etc) I still couldn’t get his lines to move and in a desperate attempt to induce some kind of trance I resorted to my own variation of McGill’s Head Tap Instant Induction: I hit the c*** over the head with a meat tenderiser.

Technorati Tags: magic, hypnotism, funny, magician

A reader asked me recently…

Dear Farticus -

I am fed up reading about getting traffic to my website. What if I just want a quiet life and no traffic? How do I avoid increasing traffic?

Regards

A. N. Other

Very good question, and as it is Halloween, it is probably appropriate to let me show you seven scary tips guaranteed to decrease traffic to your website…

• Write about absolutely nothing in your bolg:
  

  so blogger lost my bolg so in short finals suck and I hate them and I hate my teachers who give tests as is it A is it B is it A and B is it none of the above or all of the above….. they are LAME OMG…. posting in spring brea

• Choosing the wrong animated background for your web page

• Attribute the words of Satan to Jesus by mistake

• Make your product unsuitable for lady drivers

• Forget about the ‘E’ part of ‘E-Commerce’

• Worry what aliens would think of libraries

And the top way not to get traffic?

• Actively dislike your customers:
  

  “Oh don’t worry,” she says, “the ENTIRE family hates him. He’s rude, obnoxious, cruel, and he still lives with his mother, whom he treats like s***.”

That’s it!

Technorati Tags: traffic, blogging, funny, scary, halloween

You may not have heard of Saparmurat Niyazov. He was the dictator of Turkmenistan until his death last year. He was noted for his repressive, totalitarian and eccentric decrees. and Among his notable and barmy achievements were banning young men growing long hair or beards, encouraging the youth of Turkmenistan to chew on bones to preserve their teeth rather than be fitted with gold tooth caps and a book called the Ruhnama.

The Ruhnama was old Saparmurat’s way of creating a Turkmenistan epic, so as to create an air of culture in the state. But as it was personally written by old Saparmurat, ah, let’s just say world literature experts have not been crawling over themselves to study it. That did not stop Saparmurat making it the basis for the entire education system and even the driving test!

A quick quotation:

Ruhnamat should be a source of power that will keep hearts alert, of intellect, and suitable spirit, and the poetic soul of those real Turkmens who are concerned with their own spiritual world and also their spiritual and physical development.
Ruhnama is the book of unity and togetherness. It is the only source that will connect Turkmen nation’s present and its past.

Modesty was obviously a strong personal trait for old Saparmurat.
You can read a translation of this world changing piece of flatulence here and some background on Wikipedia here.
As a wise man once said, is there no beginning to his talents tags?

Technorati Tags: dictator, dumbass, funny

Another letter from a gracious but confused reader…

Dear Farticus,

This Sphinx thing in the desert is really puzzling. I mean why did those ancient Egyptian dudes build a giant human headed cat statue? I mean, think of the size of the litter tray!

Maybe you know?

Regards

Mr P. Jones

Ah, Mr P. Jones, the mysteries of the inscrutable Sphinx. Well, according to my research, the Sphinx …

had a feline body was because the light linguistics encoded in the rock of the Sphinx and the scroll archives vibrated at higher resonance frequencies that were not easily perceived by third dimensional human eyes, and the feline species was reknown for its more refined visual, hearing, and sensing abilities. Those of Star Teacher lineage who had a feline body elemental were “The Sensors” with empathetic whiskers of rainbow light streamers. In the etheric there was a structure similar to a physical plane library with a center checkout area and long shelves filled with scrolls located in the head of the Sphinx.

You can read more here.
I see nothing about a Cosmic Litter Tray, but then maybe etheric bodies don’t, you know, whatever.

A letter from a concerned parent..

Dear Farticus,

You know a lot of stuff. How to I explain the cold hard facts of rabies to my kids in a cuddly and non-threatening manner? I mean, think of the dangers if they don’t know! I can’t sleep at night.

Thanks

N.L. (a concerned parent)

As you may know readers, Farticus is always ready to help. But thankfully this time sombody has beaten me to it.

This website will explain rabies in a cuddly and non-threatening manner to your kids.
Questions such as what exactly happens to humans who catch rabies?

As the disease advances, the person enters into a coma and dies.

That’s OK, then. Job done. Next!

Technorati Tags: rabies, funny, parenting

The promise of Artificial Intelligence has come to little. No Commander Data yet.
Thankfully the HUMAN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE project promises to unravel the difficulties of AI for us.

 This “reference guide” intend to help understand basics for any simulation of artificial intelligence as a human mind processes.

This can be explained by the fact that we all have ‘built-in’ software…

But at the very beginning of the life-journey of the human entity, there was only a simple program, primary determining what was “good” and what was “bad” and responding only by instinctive reactions. This “Baby Program” contains every embryo in its DNA structure. The whole genetic information in a human is about 600MB (capacity of 1 CD ROM). A chimpanzee has only 10% less of that. Only these 60MB of instructions (comparable to some minimum installation of MS Windows) differed Albert Einstein from some Cheetah from a jungle - when they were born.

Maybe we can cancel Einstein on the CD-ROM? It’s so nineties.
Can I get the entire Serengeti on DVD please?

It seems that I, Farticus, am going to Hell. The reason?
I read a Harry Potter book.

This is according to Shelley the Republican, who has drawn up God’s Hitlist...

God’s people hitlist : God wants them dead because they harm America!

I it find amusing that the Creator of Everything should be so concerned with the fate of one political party when one considers the scale of the rest of creation.

Shelley, I recommend a series of treatments in the Total Perspective Vortex. That should sort out any problems you have with Harry Potter and most other things. Oh well, as Gandi said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ”

EDIT…

I think even Farticus can fall for an elaborate and sophisticated joke. This website is associated with Shelley.  Mr Neck? Hmmm….

But worthy pretensions,  all the same, even if a parody.

Congratulations to the winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2007, the competition to find the best worst opening lines for a novel. Jim Gleeson, who is writing a self-help book for slackers called “Self-Improvement Through Total Inactivity”, is this years winner.

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2007.htm

Ironically there are plenty of examples of bad opening lines that are not parodies.

The contest is named after the famous ‘dark and stormy night’ opening of Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Some of his work was taken very seriously in the 19th Century including the wonderful “Vril, The Power of the Coming Race” which is available online.

An example from the book…

But the greatest curiosity in the collection was that of three portraits belonging to the pre-historical age, and, according to mythical tradition, taken by the orders of a philosopher, whose origin and attributes were as much mixed up with symbolical fable as those of an Indian Budh or a Greek Prometheus.

From this mysterious personage, at once a sage and a hero, all the principal sections of the Vril-ya race pretend to trace a common origin…

Among the pithy sayings which, according to tradition, the philosopher bequeathed to posterity in rhythmical form and sententious brevity, this is notably recorded: “Humble yourselves, my descendants; the father of your race was a twat (tadpole): exalt yourselves, my descendants, for it was the same Divine Thought which created your father that develops itself in exalting you.”

Technorati Tags: bulwer-lytton, bad-writing, novels, funny

Wonderful, superb, how can the world have forgotten such a genius?
William Topaz McGonagall was…

A self-educated hand loom weaver from Dundee, he discovered his discordant muse in 1877 and embarked upon a 25 year career as a working poet, delighting and appalling audiences across Scotland and beyond.

From his most famous poem “The Tay Bridge Disaster”…

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

Thankfully he now has his own webpage.
Give that man a posthumous Nobel.

MC Hammer. Remember him?

Well, he has discovered The Power Of The Blog

The engine and power of the movement is the blog. The blog will allow us to link hand in hand, one to another. Even those who are not Hammer Fans but appreciate blogging’s empowerment are welcomed supporters. The blog is our commonality. My goal is to connect with Hammer Fans. Make new Hammer friends and meet with like minds. Those who believe in God, family and community. Through the blog I will eliminate sensationalism. You will have access to my many thoughts and truly get to know me without an intermediate.

Technorati Tags: hammertime, funny